Each week in this newsletter I answer a question from a reader. This week's comes from an internal comms manager in Germany who's wrestling with something I think you'll all recognise:
"One thing I often struggle with is saying no to colleagues, especially someone senior to me. I'm a manager and I can't imagine saying no to a leader in the company, but sometimes they ask me to do things that I don't think are right, and I really should figure out a way to say no. How can I do this without feeling extremely uncomfortable and without damaging the relationship?"
I think all of us have felt this tension at some point in our careers. It's not easy to say no and it's particularly hard to say it to people who simply out-rank you and have legitimate authority over you in the workplace. I remember when I was Head of Internal Communications in the Irish police force and it occurred to me that I would need to say no to senior-ranking police officers as part of my job; truly a terrifying thought and not a responsibility I took lightly!
So first things first, if you find it hard to say no then it's not just you. You're not alone. I talk to internal comms professionals every day, every week and most of them share this challenge.
The good news is, I can help you with this. That's what we'll focus on in today's newsletter.
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Let's talk about the discomfort you feel when you think about saying no.
I feel like most advice skips over the 'discomfort' part and goes straight to the tactical what-do-I-do part, but let's slow down a little. Because the discomfort part is actually really important.
If you struggle to say no to people, then it will 100% most definitely feel uncomfortable when you begin to change this. That is NORMAL. That is expected. If it's not uncomfortable then you're not trying hard enough!
When I think back to when I first started saying no to stakeholders, especially to someone more senior than me, it felt awful. I remember my heart racing, I was literally sweating, I think I was even stuttering at one point. And afterwards I was replaying the conversation over and over, wondering if I did the right thing, if I damaged the relationship, if I was going to lose my job! (Yes I can be dramatic at times.)
I share this because I don't want to pretend that saying no is easy and that I can give you some magic advice to make it feel fine. It won't feel fine. Be prepared for that. The discomfort you feel when you start saying no is actually a really good thing in my experience. It's a sign you are growing and changing and pushing out of your comfort zone.
And of course our normal human instinct is to avoid the feeling of discomfort at all costs, isn't it? It doesn't feel pleasant. This is why we default to "yes, of course, no problem" before we've even finished thinking. Saying yes is comfortable, it's easy, it keeps the peace.
But... saying yes to everything is also how you end up overworked, overlooked and doing things you know aren't right. It's ultimately how you gradually erode your reputation as a strategic partner and you decrease your value to the business.
One thing I've learned on my career journey is that discomfort is temporary. The first time you say no, it'll feel terrifying but you quickly realise that no one hates you, the world didn't end, you didn't get fired. So the next time you do it, it's a bit less scary and every time you do it after that it gets easier and easier. So please, if you only take one thing from today's newsletter, let it be this: discomfort is a sign of growth. Don't run away from it... run towards it.
Let's look at some practical advice for when you want to start saying no to someone more senior than you.
Give the decision back to them
This is a way you can say no without actually using the word no. What you can do is give them the decision about what to do. This is effective because it works with their authority instead of against it. Rather than refusing their request, you simply make the trade-off visible and hand the choice back. This one is particularly good to use with your direct boss. It might sound something like this:
"I can absolutely take this on, but it would mean [the board pack / the leadership comms / whatever priority you're already working on] will be de-prioritised and moved to next week. Does that work for you?"
Notice here that you haven't actually used the word no, instead you've said "yes, and here's the cost" and you've let your boss make the call with full information.
Anchor it in the business, not your preference
Another piece of advice I would share is this: take yourself out of it. Don't say things like "I don't think this is a good idea" or "I don't have time to do this". You want to make your 'no' nothing to do with you and everything to do with the business. It's not personal, not remotely.
Here's what you do instead, you frame everything around business priorities and desired business outcomes. This keeps the conversation strategic, it's a business conversation. This makes it easier for the other person to accept a 'no' because you're talking about spending your time on the CEO priorities. You're not being difficult; you're being a good steward of where your effort and attention goes.
Sometimes accept that you will lose the battle (and that's ok)
And lastly, I do want to be real with you, sometimes you try to say no and it doesn't work. Maybe you give great advice and counsel, maybe you reframe everything beautifully around the business priorities, maybe you show the cost and trade-off of saying yes... and you still get told point blank to be quiet and just do the work.
This happens. It doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means that in this particular instance, you need to suck it up and just do the work even if it's not a business imperative. When we work for other people, we just have to do what they say sometimes, that's all part of corporate life.
So don't worry about it. Try to learn from the experience instead. What could you try differently next time? Was this about how you framed it or was this just about a tricky personality who demands their own way? The important thing is that you keep trying, you stay with the discomfort, you keep practicing and you'll find over time that your success rate increases and you'll have fewer and fewer incidents of people pushing back.
I hope today's thoughts have been useful to you. How do you feel about saying no to stakeholders? Any good or bad experiences you want to share with me? Hit reply and let me know, I'd love to hear from you.
Thanks for reading and stay curious,
Joanna
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